I’m realizing more and more that it’s really difficult for me to ask for help. I don’t particularly like being vulnerable. I don’t like to be ‘needy’. Frankly, I think it’s easier to be strong and independent and to have to rely on no one.
But, since I’ve been living down here in Honduras I think God has been teaching me some things. Well, OK… a lot of things. But one area where I feel I’m being refined is in my independence.
I like being independent. I can just hear Destiny’s Child singing in my ear… “all the women, independent… throw your hands up at me… I depend on me.” Wait, I depend on me? I got this? I bought it? I did it? It was me? I don’t need other people? And so on. Is that really how I think and feel sometimes? Sadly, it is. And. I’m. So. Convicted. I have a long ways to go in my desire to become like Christ, a reflection of him who said ‘by myself I can do nothing’ (John 5:30).
Since I’ve been in Honduras I’ve had to let go of my independence in many areas. I rely on others to get rides to and from places. I need help from others to communicate (as I’m slowly learning spanish). I am able to live here only because of the generosity of others opening up their homes to a complete stranger to live with them.
When I am need, I have to ask for help. This forces me to be vulnerable because I can’t pretend like I have it all together and it also forces me to let go of control. But – it also allows other people ‘in’, it allows people to feel needed, and it allows people the chance to help. And I experience the same thing with God. Jesus was totally reliant upon God. He even says that his FOOD was to do the will of the one who sent him and to finish his work (John 4:34). I am learning to be more dependent on God and on people. I am learning that needing people is not a bad thing and that it breeds vulnerability. I can think of many times that a friend has been in need – maybe someone needed a place to stay, maybe someone needed a meal, maybe someone needed a ride, maybe someone needed money and of course I did what I could to help. If my best friend or family member were in need and didn’t ask me for help because they didn’t want to inconvenience me, bother me, or appear vulnerable… I would be mad! But I totally do this same thing.
And so a perfect example of all of this has to do with my photography gear being stolen two months ago. (You can read the full story about here) I’m now without my equipment and I’m not really sure what to do. It’s left me questioning my plans here in Honduras and in Central America. My prayers are most often filled with the same request of the father of the boy in Mark 9:24… “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!” I know God has plans for my life, plans that only He knows about. I know that I must have faith, being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see. I know that in time, I will be able to connect the dots and see the beautiful picture He was painting. I don’t see it now but that doesn’t mean it’s not there or that it won’t be there. A good friend shared this thought with me the other day… when I was crying and feeling hopeless… ‘God starts working when we can’t anymore.’ As long I as I walk around day after day with an attitude of ‘I depend on me’ and ‘I’ve got this’ and ‘I don’t need anyone else’ – where does God fit in? And where do other people fit in? So like I said, for two months I haven’t really wanted to ask for help. I’ve been trying to figure out ways that I can figure it out on my own or do it all by myself. And, well, I can’t. So I’m humbly asking for your help. I’ve set up a ‘go fund me’ site HERE to try to raise the money to be able to replace my gear. Any help you might be able to provide is greatly appreciated!
Below is a photo of me volunteering at the HOPE Centro Medico – the medical clinic. I was surrounded by a bunch of kids and we were all laughing and it’s moments like that that take my breath away and remind me that even through the hard times, it’s all SO worth it.
